A friend of mine was a member of the crew team at Rutgers University. That is the team of eight men rowing a long, narrow boat called a “skull.” The eight sit facing backwards, and a ninth man, the “coxswain,” sits at the back facing forward, guiding and coaching the other eight. (Can you imagine nine men in one of those boats? That’s an entire baseball team.)
Anyway, Jeff used to tell me stories about how hard they worked out on the crew team. Getting on the team was hard enough, then the hours and hours of rowing would just wear the young students out. Everything was sore—hands, arms, shoulders, back—and the physical exhaustion was overwhelming. Then after rowing for hours, they would run and lift weights. Everyone threw up regularly, so often that it became a joke among the teammates. And they would collapse into bed at night wondering how they would ever get their studies done—Rutgers can be a tough school.
So being “on crew” was exhausting. It was grueling and painful and the absolute hardest thing Jeff had ever done in his life. He was sore all the time. In pain every day and every night. Hungry and tired and nauseated and weak and exhausted.
But you know what? He loved it. One day he realized how crazy it was: here he was dying, every day—and he knew that he had never been happier in his life.
Is that crazy? It sounds crazy, but it’s true—and many people can tell similar stories about many other pursuits. Sometimes it is not until you are dying that you discover how to really live. Think about that. The closer you get to death, the better you understand life—and happiness.
Jesus said as much in Matthew 16:24:
If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.
This is backwards: if you struggle to save your life, you will lose it, but if you are willing to lose your life for Jesus, then you will find it. It’s backwards—but it’s true.
When your goal is to make yourself happy, you often end up unfulfilled and miserable, like a crying child on Christmas day. In the morning, he is thrilled, but by the afternoon, he is bored and overwhelmed by everything and none of the toys are fun anymore and suddenly all the anticipation is over and Christmas is a bust. But the parents—who have done nothing but give and serve their children—are happy. Because Jesus created a principle that never changes:
When you pursue your own happiness, you will not find it. But when you pursue the happiness of others, you will make yourself happy.
In other words, seek to lose your life for the sake of Jesus and others, and you will find it. But if you are seeking to save your life, you will lose it.
It’s a riddle: try to grasp happiness and you lose it, but if you are willing to let it go, and you just might manage to hold on to it. It may not make sense, but it is true.
Jesus knew He would die, but He was willing to lose His life for others. And Hebrews explains, “Because of the joy that was coming, He endured the cross” Hebrews 12:2. That is, Jesus would lose His life, but He would be rewarded with incredible joy as a result. The same is true for us: when we put aside our wishes and SERVE others, God blesses us with great joy.
Have you served others lately? A teacher? Your friends? Your family? Or can you remember times in the past when you served greatly? It was a pleasure wasn’t it? It always feels good.
That is the Biblical principle: you make yourself happy by serving others.
Merriam-Webster defines the trendy term “self-love” as “regard for one’s own happiness or advantage.” The irony is, your Savior has established a simple rule: dying to your own selfish desires and serving others is the quickest way to achieve “one’s own happiness or advantage.”
Of course, such service has to come from a place of strength. You have to be strong enough to actually make a choice. A slave who serves under duress will not experience any joy. But a slave who chooses to forgive and humbly serve a hated master, so that he can point that master to Jesus—that slave is going to experience great joy as he puts aside his selfish desire for revenge and serves a higher purpose. To put it another way, serving others should come from a place of dignity and strength—you must believe that you have AGENCY or the power to make choices about your own life, and that you have CHOSEN to serve. And knowing Jesus will give you that strength—because He gives you choices. Choose humility, forgiveness, and service.
And that is the key: you will not find much happiness in Psychology Today’s list of “prototypical acts of self-soothing” (a slow, hot bath, eating a little cake, taking a walk with no destination, dancing alone, or telling yourself that you are ‘enough’). None of these things are bad, necessarily. But when you realize you have choices—and you take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for your choices—and then you choose to forgive, to be humble, and to serve others, happiness will follow.
When you deny yourself, take up your cross daily, and follow Christ—then you will find your life; then you will find your happiness.
Dear God, show us that we have no one to blame—that we have the power within ourselves to own our choices. Give my two kids that powerful sense of maturity that comes from taking FULL responsibility for every choice they make. And once they have that sense of dignity and autonomy, help them to choose to take up a cross and “die daily.” Help all of us to put aside our selfish desires and choose to serve Jesus in all that we do. Thank you that when we serve you, you bless us with such great joy. Remind us each day that the harder we try to “save our lives” or seek our own happiness, the less we will find it. Remind us to choose to deny our lives, take up your cross and serve you—knowing that you will reward us with joy when we sacrifice things for you. Give us the maturity to the be the “parents” on Christmas day, exhausted and delighted by serving, rather than the children, so often spoiled and discontent after thinking of no one but themselves all day. Teach us that the best “self-love” is serving others.
ΑΩ
Household Words: 