Are you a termite or a fire ant?
When termites grow wings, come to the surface, and take flight, the inexperienced may mistake them for winged ants. Ants may sting, but homeowners who have faced both ants and termites can tell you: ants are an easier problem than termites.
If you’ve encountered fire ants, a Brazilian species that has taken over the American South, then you know they sting quickly and often. They sting and burn and make you crazy, but at least you know exactly where they are and what they are doing.
Termites, by contrast, can quietly eat away at sheet rock walls or wooden floors, giving no sign of danger until that unexpected day when a wall or floor caves in.
Children can be divided into two groups: fire ants and termites. By this analogy, the Prodigal Son was a fire ant. His older brother was a termite. Of course, this is a continuum. Some children provide extreme examples, while others may look like an ant one day and a termite the next. But let’s talk this out…
Fire ant children practice open rebellion. They are loud, they make their demands known, and they irritate adults every day. Fire ant children require tremendous patience from parents and teachers and are often considered difficult and unpleasant. Sometimes they ARE difficult and unpleasant. Every fire ant child has been singled out as the “problem child,” and many have suffered painful abuse and name-calling (by both peers and adults) as a result of their unwelcome behavior.
By contrast, termite children attract little notice. They are the good kids. They “fly under the radar.” Termite children cause little trouble. They are quiet, outwardly compliant, and relatively easy to parent.
But termite children can bore into secret sins undetected, creating tremendous damage before they are discovered. Often the damage hurts the children more than anyone else, because it involves nurturing false doctrines that will take decades to overcome.
“Some people’s sins are obvious, going before them into judgment, but the sins of others surface later” 1 Timothy 5:24.
Are your sins obvious, or do they surface later? Are you a fire ant or a termite?
I know a mother who has often said one of her sons was “overt,” and the other was “covert.” When the older, louder child misbehaved, it was obvious. He made little effort to hide his many sins. Consequently, he received constant feedback about both his behavior and his sometimes crazy ideas.
But the younger child was quiet and cautious. His parents never knew what he was thinking, and his small acts of rebellion always came as a surprise. Consequently, he received correction far less often. He behaved so well–on the surface–that he provided his parents fewer opportunities to teach him about better behavior and better thinking. (In this way, seemingly better-behaved children may receive less training from their parents, resulting in an unexpected disadvantage–or at best a level playing field.)
Can you see how much harder it is to raise termite children? In some ways, it is also harder to be a termite child–or harder, at least, to be the grown-up who was raised a termite child, because in some ways you receive less teaching from the wisest adults in your life.
As unpleasant as it is to confront open rebellion, there is honesty there. Open rebellion can be addressed, discussed, negotiated. Secret rebellion is impossible to address because it is unknown.
A final thought: a child may be better off being a fire ant (not that he has much choice in the matter), because his sins and wrong beliefs are obvious to his parents, teachers, counselors, coaches, and youth pastor. Everyone knows what he is doing and thinking, and they can give him feedback. Maybe he will listen.
But a young person who sins in secret has no one to correct his wrong behavior and beliefs, or even to tell him that they ARE wrong. As long as he keeps his thoughts to himself, his parents have no idea how to offer him guidance. By the time his sins or mistaken ideas surface, it may be too late, and tremendous damage may have already been done.
“Some people’s sins are obvious, going before them into judgment, but the sins of others surface later” 1 Timothy 5:24.
If you are a termite, consider opening up to someone. Confess those sins and get help and good teaching before things become worse for you.
If you are a fire ant, settle down. Keep on communicating well. Keep those lines of communication open. But be less selfish. Learn to be a servant. Be humble. You are not always right. Stop talking as though you are.
If you are a parent, understand that each child is unique. Parenting strategies that worked with one child may not work with another. You must tailor your parenting to suit the unique needs of each child.
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