When my father, Ernest, was about five, some older cousins came to visit. They were unruly, wildly undisciplined. One day the boys ran out of the house, little Ernest bringing up the rear. Just as he leapt from the porch, an older cousin pushed a wheelbarrow in front of him, knowing he would be unable to clear it. Daddy smashed his lip in a manner so bloody my grandparents realized he needed stitches. But first, my grandfather gave a good whipping to the older boy who deliberately caused the harm. (In 1940, any adult present was expected to administer corporal punishment to a child ‘in need.’)
Little Ernest returned from the hospital later that day and his older cousin walked up smiling as if to apologize. Suddenly, he grabbed the stitches and yanked them out, doing further damage to my father’s lip. Daddy had a scar beneath his lip in the shape of an ‘x’ for the rest of his life. My grandfather had no use for that family from then on, privately predicting the cousins would spend their entire lives in jail. Sadly, he was right.
Unlike those distant cousins, my father and his siblings were raised by a man of the most unimpeachable integrity. My grandfather believed in total honesty, and he expected honorable behavior from others. He was kind, but a formidable disciplinarian.
Steve Farrar writes, “I grew up in a home with an oak tree right in the middle of the house … It’s the kind of oak described in Isaiah 61:3 and it’s called an oak of righteousness. I’m referring to my dad” (from Farrar’s book POINT MAN).
My father and grandfather were also oaks of righteousness. I wish everyone could be raised by such solid fathers.
King David was not a solid father. David failed to do the hard things at home.
Did David fail to provide for his family? No.
Did David fail to keep a roof over their heads or to keep his wives and children safe? No. They lived in the king’s palace, after all.
Did David fail to educate his children? No, I’m sure they had the best tutors money could buy.
Did David fail to love his children or to dote on them and delight in them when they were cute and sweet? I can’t be sure, but this man who grew up herding sheep and writing worship songs probably had a tender heart for his many children.
But, like the parents who raised my father’s cousins, David failed to do the hard thing: David failed to discipline consistently.
About Adonijah, it is written, “His father had not displeased him at any time, saying ‘Why hast thou done so?’” 1 Kings 1:6. Concerned I might misinterpret the King James translation on this, I checked other versions. The translators make clear: David did not discipline Adonijah well—if ever:
“His father never rebuked him at any time by asking, ‘Why have you done so?’” (NASB)
“His father never rebuked him by asking, ‘Why do you behave as you do?’” (NIV)
“His father had never once reprimanded him by saying, ‘Why do you act this way?’” (HCSB)
“His father spoiled him rotten as a child, never once reprimanding him” (MSG)
“King David had never disciplined him at any time—not so much as by a single scolding!” (TLB)
What was the result of David’s permissive parenting? Death–the death of the son he loved.
Knowing David was near death, Adonijah tried to take the throne before it could be passed to Solomon as God had directed. David was able to put a stop to it, but the rebellion would eventually cost Adonijah his life (1 Kings 2:25).
How many other seemingly godly fathers have raised disappointing children because they did not discipline them? Sadly, it is not a short list (consider the Old Testament kings). I will admit, it is possible to discipline children too severely, or without supporting that discipline with a loving relationship. As Josh McDowell says, “Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.”[1]
But a relationship without rules—without discipline—can cause tremendous problems as well.
Children must be humbled by their parents. Children learn self-discipline by experiencing the discipline they receive from their parents. Children learn to be teachable when their parents correct them in their errors.
To discipline a child’s behavior reasonably and consistently is as important as anything else a parent can do for that child.
Parental discipline creates self-discipline, self-confidence, and strong young people with wisdom and good sense. By contrast, a lack of parental discipline creates weak, undisciplined adults who fall victim to their own appetites, bad choices, and foolish thinking. Parental discipline is not easy, but it is absolutely essential to building strong, wise, teachable men and women.
“Discipline your child while there is time” Proverbs 19:18.
“Whoever spares the rod hates his children, but the one who loves his children is careful to discipline them” Proverbs 13:24.
“Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will beat it far from him” Proverbs 22:15.
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P.S, It is interesting to reflect on the many verses about discipline in Proverbs. King Solomon, who wrote or collected and edited all of the proverbs in the book, had seen it all. How much of the messiness in David’s family and among David’s children influenced Solomon’s choices about which proverbs to include in the book? Perhaps Solomon had in mind the rebellions of Absalom and Adonijah when he included Proverbs 19:18–“Discipline your child while there is still time!”
[1] https://www.josh.org/ddl-video/rules-without-relationships-lead-to-rebellion/
Household Words: 