One tool that can help with decision-making is a list of pros and cons. If you were considering a job offer, you might make such a list. The left side of the page would be labeled “Pros” and the right side “Cons.” In the Pros column, you list all the reasons to take the job: pay increase, shorter commute, better hours, better work-life balance, etc. In the Cons column, you list all the reasons for turning down the job: must learn new set of skills, job is not the field of work I have always dreamed about, lack of job security, etc.
The key to a Pros and Cons list is not that you fill one side with twenty points and the other with nineteen, then choose the column with twenty. After all, one major point may be more compelling than twenty minor points. This is not a magical process or a black-and-white, binary exercise. Instead, drafting the list forces you to think through many issues you may not have considered, so that by the time you have completed the list, you are closer to making your decision.
I once made a Pros and Cons List that involved dating. In the fall of 1985, I suddenly went from no options to more than one option. So I made a Pros and Cons List. Boys in high school are not known for the exercise of good judgment, and I was not particularly discerning. But I was at least aware that there was more to the mysterious opposite sex than looks. Do we communicate well? Do we have fun together? Does she live close enough for me to drive to her house in a reasonable amount of time? Does she love the Lord? Yes, believe it or not, I actually considered that last one. I was trying to grow in my faith and I figured any girl I was going to date better be doing the same.
Last night, for Valentine’s Day nearly forty years later, I bought a bouquet of flowers for one of the girls on that Pros and Cons List.
I married her—eight years after she rose to the top of my Pros and Cons List. As I worked through the list, I remember realizing no one loved the Lord like she did. It was so obvious. And that realization has stayed with me for decades. Even in 1985, I would have told you she was not right about everything, and that she had a (mostly harmless) streak of stubborn rebellion. But this girl wanted to do the right thing more than anyone I had ever met. She was determined to live for Christ. I knew it was real, and nothing was more important to me.
I like these words from Solomon:
“There are threescore queens, and fourscore concubines, and virgins without number, but my dove, my undefiled is but one. She is the only one …” Song of Solomon 6:8-9.
The Message puts it this way:
“There’s no one like her on earth, never has been, never will be. She’s a woman beyond compare. My dove is perfection, pure and innocent as the day she was born.”
Other versions say, she is unique, and there is no one like her, and she is the only one for me. I still feel that way—I have met so few like her.
What a blessing to rest in that, to know that your spouse loves Jesus more than you. That your spouse seeks to please Jesus. That your spouse will forgive you, serve you, and bless you over and over for decades not because she loves you (or because you deserve it) but because she loves Jesus and wants to please him.
I think of that Pros and Cons List and others like it every now and then. No job is perfect. No house or auto purchase will please you completely. Everything on this earth is flawed. But a spouse who loves Jesus must be about as close to perfection as you will ever get. May we always be grateful for the amazing servants of Christ who live among us and enrich our lives every day!
“A wife of noble character, who can find” Proverbs 31:10.
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