Conflict Resolution. Numbers 32.

“Breakfast Table Political Argument” by Norman Rockwell, on permanent display at the Harry S. Truman Presidential Library & Museum. (The husband and wife appear to be arguing over the 1948 presidential race in which Harry Truman (right) defeated Thomas Dewey in an upset. My mother reports that 1948 was the first year her widowed mother voted Republican (for Dewey), my grandmother apparently being one of the first southern Democrats to change parties.)

“Well, Steven, how did you like church this morning?” my Uncle Bob asked me over Sunday dinner. Our family was visiting from the big city and would be driving back to Houston after lunch.

“I liked how small and quiet it was.”

That came out wrong. I was in the eighth grade; most things came out wrong.

“Well, not every church can be as big as yours!” My aunt Gwynne reminded me. She sounded quite insulted. Fortunately, I picked up on her tone and immediately launched into an explanation:

“No. I loved it! What I mean is, the kids were all nice to me! It’s not like that at our church because it’s so big. There are thousands of kids. You get lost in the crowd even when you know them all. But today everyone was like ‘Oh, you must be a Wales. I can tell by the way you walk and the way you talk. What’s your name?’ It was incredible! Can you imagine anyone saying that to me in Houston? No, you gotta understand—I LOVED it!”

I went on and on trying to make sure my aunt was not sore at me.

Have you ever upset someone you thought the world of? We have all done it. Sometimes it happens unintentionally. And even then, it can be hard to smooth things over. It takes humility, patience, and conflict resolution skills.

In Numbers 32, several of Israel’s tribal leaders offended no less an august personage than Moses himself. Can you imagine? Who would want to upset Moses?

Just when the nation was about to engage in a series of battles over the Promised Land, the leaders of three tribes (technically 2.5 tribes) came to Moses and asked if they could remain east of the Jordan River, a grassy land they had decided was ideal for raising their many herds and flocks. Moses considered this an outrageous, sinful request.

“The Reubenites and Gadites [and the half-tribe of Manasseh] said, ‘let this land be given to your servants as our possession. Do not make us cross the Jordan.’

“Moses answered the Gadites and Reubenites, ‘Should your fellow Israelites go to war while you sit here? Why do you discourage the Israelites from crossing over into the land the Lord has given them? This is what your fathers did when I sent them from Kadesh Barnea to spy out the land. After they went up to the Valley of Eshkol and viewed the land, they discouraged the Israelites from entering the land the Lord had given them …  The Lord’s anger burned against Israel and he made them wander in the wilderness forty years … And here you are, a brood of sinners, standing in the place of your fathers and making the Lord even more angry with Israel!‘” Numbers 32:1-14.

How do you like that? These men went to Moses with a creative proposal—one that would actually leave more land for the other nine-and-a-half tribes—and Moses got angry and accused them of being as faithless as the spies who were afraid to enter the land forty years earlier. Then he called them a brood of sinners and accused them of bringing God’s wrath on the nation.

So what could they do? They could retreat meekly and say no more about it. Or they could get angry at Moses and make it personal, perhaps shouting at him that he always turns everything into an argument or something. Or they could accuse him of not listening or charge him with arrogance and say he has lost touch and no longer belongs in leadership.

But that’s not what they did. Even though Moses leveled serious allegations, even though Moses appears to have completely misjudged them, the tribal leaders were patient and did not become upset. They were patient, they remained humble. They knew their place and respected their leader.

The men immediately forgave Moses and offered additional details, explaining that they had every intention of joining their brothers in battle. But when the war was over, they wanted to raise their flocks of sheep and herds of cattle in the land east of the Jordan:

“We will arm ourselves for battle and go ahead of the Israelites until we have brought them to their place … We will not return to our homes until each of the Israelites has received his inheritance. We will not receive any inheritance with them on the other side of the Jordan, because our inheritance has come to us on the east side of the Jordan” Numbers 32:17-19.

And with those reassurances, Moses was pacified.

So what can we do when we upset people? What can we learn from these leaders who managed to raise the ire of Moses?

First, in times of conflict, do not give up and go away in silence.

Sometimes we do that, particularly when we have upset someone in a position of authority. But if the men had said nothing further, Moses would have never realized that their intentions were not bad. Moses would have continued to believe the men were guilty of cowardice and betrayal. But they defended their position. They spoke honestly and clearly. They knew better than to clam up and say nothing. Clear communication is important. If you can talk it out—free of anger—you have a better chance of being understood. There is a time for talking*.

Jesus said, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother” Matthew 18:15.

I am not suggesting Moses sinned—this was better characterized as a misunderstanding. But the men humbly explained to Moses that he had misunderstood, and by doing so, they won him over. They “gained their brother.”

Second, in times of conflict, avoid responding in anger.

So often when anyone becomes angry at us, we respond by matching their anger. Most of the time that is a mistake.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” Proverbs 15:1.

If these men had raised their voices with Moses, the leader of the nation would probably have grown even angrier. But they kept their cool and controlled their words and their tone, which helped Moses see past his own anger and examine the merits of what they were proposing.

Finally, in times of conflict, be patient.

I imagine these tribal leaders listening to Moses in silence, and only after he stopped talking and his anger was spent did they look at one another, take a deep breath, and slowly begin to offer a mild rebuttal. I imagine them speaking both more slowly than Moses and more quietly than Moses. He was angry, and he was God’s chosen leader who had earned their deep respect. Yet he was mistaken, and these humble, quiet men patiently articulated the facts to provide the great prophet a better understanding.

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” James 1:19-20.

These men were quick to listen to Moses. They were slow to respond (but not afraid to respond carefully and thoroughly). And they did not allow themselves to become angry.

Dear God, bless us with conflict resolution skills. Make us humble. Help us forgive. Give us patience, kindness, and the courage to talk things out when necessary. Fill us with a deep love for people, particularly for our brothers and sisters in Christ. Remind us to never allow disagreements to fester into bitterness and unforgiveness.

AΩ.

* There is a time for silence as well. Sometimes you upset someone, they respond, and silence or silent assent is probably the best response, particularly if you realize that you are in the wrong. When we are wrong, silence is good and a quiet admission/apology is often better. But there are exceptions to everything. A professional context, a business relationship, or an argument between two opposing attorneys–these situations can be tricky and must be navigated with wisdom, skill, and professional experience. Still, you can’t go wrong if you begin with Biblical guidance: humility, patience, forgiveness, grace, and carefully chosen words that demonstrate that the personal relationship is as important as the subject of the argument.