According to the Pew Research Center, as of 2021, 25% of 40-year-old adults have never been married. That number was only 20% in 2010, and only 6% in 1980! The number of single adults in the United States is the highest it has ever been—and yet, being single still feels like being a member of a peculiar minority, sort of like an exclusive club you never really signed up for.
Do you ever feel like you just have to be married? I mean, doesn’t that feel like the norm for American adults? For adults anywhere? I know it does to me. We scratch our heads when we meet the unmarried. In fact, we probably find the never-married more peculiar than the divorced. Divorce we understand (even in all its horrible messiness), but the simplicity of never-marrying in the first place we somehow find inexplicable.
Most cultures encourage marriage.
Marriage means families. Marriage means children. Marriage forces young men and women to grow up, be responsible, and put aside many of their selfish impulses so they can nurture the little ones growing up around them. Marriage is a civilizing force, making mature, productive adults out of those who might otherwise have remained self-centered, aimless adolescents. If we hope to accomplish anything in life, most of us need to grow up, get married, and have children. Most people who have married are the better for it.
The Bible encourages marriage.
God told Adam and Eve to “be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and subdue it” Genesis 1:28. God’s plan requires a world full of children. Families. People.
But marriage is not for everyone.
In 1 Corinthians chapter seven, Paul crafts a great essay on marriage. Commentators believe Paul was probably a widower at the time of this writing, thus he understood the pros and cons of both celibacy and married life. He begins by saying he wishes everyone could be single as he is, 1 Corinthians 7:7. But he understands that sexual temptation is difficult, and thus, “it is better to marry than to burn with passion” 1 Corinthians 7:9.
But don’t miss this:
Paul just said celibacy is the ideal state.
Not marriage. “I wish all of you were as I am” 1 Corinthians 7:7. True, he responds to his own point, noting that celibacy is a gift that is not given to everyone. To remain single is tough for a host of reasons. Celibacy is a rare gift. But for some people, being single means not being less productive, but more productive. For some, being single means serving the Kingdom of God more effectively than they could had they been married. Because marriage is distracting!
“Those who marry will face many troubles in this life and I want to spare you this … I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband” 1 Corinthians 7:28, 32-34.
Thus, marriage is a powerful, life-changing institution. It helps most of us grow up and it smooths the rough edges of our immaturity and selfishness. Moreover, marriage stabilizes society by creating children and families and adults who care about making the world around them better. But for some of us, celibacy is the greater gift and marriage may represent a distraction that would keep us from serving God efficiently while we are busy serving our spouse and children.
Unlike the soccer moms and room mothers around her, “an unmarried woman … is concerned about the Lord’s affairs” 1 Corinthians 7:34.
One final thought: If you are single, and find yourself the odd-man-out here on earth, consider this. In heaven it is not single-ness, but marriage that will be peculiar. In fact, no one in heaven is married, other than in the sense that we are all the Bride of Christ and Jesus—Christ Himself—is the Groom.
As Jesus explained, “At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven” Matthew 22:30.[1]
So, as difficult as it is to be single on earth, rejoice—your state is actually the norm in heaven. You will no longer be the one person in four who has never married. You will no longer be the odd-man-out.
Dear God, may we fall in love with You before anyone else! Fill us with a passion for Christ. And may the single adults among us be “concerned about the Lord’s affairs … to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit” (1 Cor.7:34).
Guide us in Your wisdom to the people and relationships You have for us. Give us the courage to meet people, the courage to speak honestly and to be vulnerable, and the wisdom to pursue some relationships and not others. May we follow Your leadership in all our dealings. Do Your will in our lives. We love You and we trust You!
AΩ.
[1] We will know each other in heaven. We will love each other in heaven. I know my wife will be one of my closest friends in heaven. But the relationship will be different. And no, I don’t think it will be sad at all. It will be a better relationship, a deeper relationship. But a different relationship.
This story may be a helpful illustration: My wife and I broke up during college after having dated about two years. I would still see her sometimes, both at church and on campus, but it was different. Friends would tell me the news from her life, and I remember telling them how deeply I respected her, how highly I thought of her. I did not imagine myself dating her again at any time in the future. I assumed that door was closed forever. But I could say with complete honesty that I had so much respect for her and wanted the best for her. I still cared about her and what would happen to her life in the future. But after we stopped dating, I simply took a step back. The day-to-day relationship had changed, but my admiration and respect for this young woman who deeply loved Jesus had not.
I sometimes imagine that my feelings for her in heaven may be something like that.